If you’re a “normal” “person” who spends the holidays with friends and family, we have an uninteresting list of gift ideas for you. I'm not here to tell you how to live your boring life. I'm here to wreck up the place.
If you’re an unstoppable force of pure mayhem and you plan to spend any part of the holiday season on a Bruise Cruise, for each of the “normal” items below, I offer an alternate gift you’ll definitely find useful.
"Normal" "Person": Straight-up luxury bone China ceramic dinnerware set
These plates are good for serving a goose or a toose (tofu goose). Don't bring them on a cruise, Bruise or otherwise.
Unstoppable force of pure mayhem: Weaponizable AmazonBasics plates
Amazon would not sell six plates for under $20 if they didn't intend for you to take them on a Bruise Cruise, break them (with little effort), and use the shards to conduct a midnight raid on a neighboring ship.
(In case you forgot: roll one die. Tie goes to the attacker. If attacker wins, they steal an item and make a getaway of up to three spaces. If defender wins, they immediately sail away up to the three spaces.)
"Normal" "Person": Table top shuffleboard
If you want to play fake shuffleboard in your unfinished basement, buy this thing. I'm not helping you carry it.
Unstoppable force of pure mayhem: Legit lido deck-style shuffleboard set of pucks and cues
You don't want to be without these on a Bruise Cruise. If you've ever seen Tron, you know what to do with the pucks. Add some cheap LEDs for a Tronnish effect. Practice being General Grievous with the cues; no one will come near you.
Maybe also pick up some spray paint so you can create a shuffleboard court wherever you go.
[Things for] vertical surfaces
"Normal" "Person": Snowman door magnets
Did you know that cruise ship cabin doors are magnetic? Confuse the hell out of your fellow passengers by building a snowman on your door. When they ask what's up with that, hand them a copy of the Bruise Cruise instruction manual to sow even more confusion.
Unstoppable force of pure mayhem: A door
Essential survival gear for 2021
"Normal" "Person": Bruise Cruise: A game of semi-true Caribbean trivia
Nothing is more important than learning. Did you know that Jimmy Buffett has multiple books on the New York Times Best Seller list? Or that Cartagena has a Spanish Inquisition torture museum? Play Bruise Cruise and you will learn these and many more facts, along with some "facts."
Unstoppable force of pure mayhem: Bruise Cruise: The game where cruise ships totally fight each other
Nothing is more important than the annihilation of your enemies. The cruise industry has been shut down, but the Bruise Cruise industry is thriving, so you might as well set sail. There's a comically large, unreasonably red, blinking "Launch torpedo" button waiting for you on the bridge. Come aboard.
A note from Bruise Cruise HQ
Apologies for The Admiral's quest to turn everything into the world of Bruise Cruise. Be safe and enjoy the holidays with friends and family.